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"The Path of Healing & Restoring;
For Those Who Are Grieving"

Lesson # 3: Conquering Fear

Hello again. I'm Bob Miller ND, with Lesson # 3 of your course on your path to healing and restoration from grieving. In your previous lesson, we discussed and explored the loss issues you were feeling as a result of the passing of a loved one. In this lesson, we will explore how the grief and loss creates fear. Fear is not only a cause of stress, but fear also keeps you from moving forward with life.

In this lesson, you will understand how fear is created and how you can permanently conquer fear in your life.

To review, for each of the five steps and emotions of stress, there are three easy Exercises to conquering each of them. Here's the three Exercises you will learn today to conquer fear:

  • Exercise # 1 Identify what kinds of fear your loss issues have created for you.
  • Exercise # 2 Explore how you will feel and act when you have replaced the fear emotion with courage
  • Exercise # 3 Use Guided Imagery to teach your subconscious mind the new positive way of thinking, feeling and acting.

When You Learn These Principles...

Not only will your stress levels will go down, but your self-esteem will climb, and you will begin to be able to move on with life with courage and confidence.

So Lets Get Started With ......

Exercise # 1 Identifying The Fears You May Be Experiencing

The fears you may experiencing related to you loss will vary based upon who passed away and the losses you will experience as a result of their passing. Listed below are some fears that grieving persons typically experience. As you read them, reflect if you are experiencing this fear, and make note if it is slight, moderate or severe.

In this and other courses, I generally group fears into a few major categories:

  • Fears for your own safety and well being
  • Fears of failure
  • Fears of being rejected or criticized.
  • Fears that another or similar sorrow issue will happen.
  • Fears for the future.

Let's Explore Each One

Your Safety and Well Being

If your loss was someone who provided you with a sense of caring or protection, the loss of this person can be a significant source of fear. This could include physical safety as well as providing for food and shelter.

Fear of well being is a rather broad category and would include the fear of not having the person you lost for advice, love, or someone to share events with. This would also include the fears of how you may be able to cope with taking care of things they may have done. For example, a spouse may have handled financial issues, house and car maintenance, housekeeping, cooking, etc.

In some instances the fear is simply that life won't be the same without them, and this impacts you sense of well being.

When the loss is a spouse or child, many people experience a fear of coming into contact with family and friends, fearing how they will respond to you, or fear of not knowing yourself how to respond or act with them.

When the loss is a spouse or very close friend, there is a very real fear of being alone and lonely.

Fear of Failure

If as a result of the loss of your loved one, you need to do things unfamiliar to you, this may create fear of failure.

If you depended upon this person for advice or guidance, the fear of failure may be very real.

Fear of Rejection or Criticism

If the loss is your spouse, and you participated in activities with other couples, there may be fears of rejection since you are now alone. You may have some fears of not fitting into some social circles that you once did.

The majority of people are very caring and supportive to grieving persons, but there may be some who are so uncomfortable with the situation and out of their own fear, may appear to avoid you. This may feel like rejection.

Fears that another "Sorrow" will happen.

It is common and typical that when we experience life "sorrow" issues, there is sometimes a natural tendency to be fearful that another one is right around the corner.

Fears for the Future

It is common and typical that grieving persons have fears for the future. This can even include our own fear of death. For those who lost children, there is the fears of how this loss will impact you in the future, particularly around holidays, birthdays, and what would have been the time of their high school graduation, etc.

If the person you lost was a financial provider, there may be fears of providing for yourself and possibly other family members.

You May be Asking.....

So...How Do I Conquer Fear

Now that you have identified your fear, its time to start learning how you can find the courage and strength to conquer your fears.

At this point in teaching this course, many people are expecting something along the lines of positive thinking, believing you can do it, finding the courage from within, etc. These are all valid methods to build courage, but I will be going in a slightly different direction.

Clearly, no matter how positive you think or how brave you feel, you very well may have difficulty doing some things you never did before, you may find some rejection from others, and you may have many struggles and difficulties.

But wait....

You just learned in Lesson # 1 that "I am complete and whole, despite any sorrow issue". Make sure you read that line again, because this is the key point in conquering fear.

You see [pager], you don't have to be brave, courageous, macho or any other stereotypical ways of behaving to conquer fear because.....

The Way to Find Courage is Revealed

  • If things don't go well, or as anticipated, YOU ARE STILL OK!
  • If what you are trying fails...You are OK, safe and secure, with self-esteem intact.
  • If someone rejects you...Your self-worth can remain secure.
  • If someone is mean or critical.... You are not defined by their thoughts.
  • If you experience a setback..... you are still complete and whole.

When you realize that if things don't go well or fail, someone rejects or criticizes, that this no longer will impact you or your self-esteem, you will conquer fear.

Too many times, we allow external life events define who we are. We will talk about this in more detail in our lesson on self-esteem, but for now, lets just start to think about the concept that your successes or failures, those who may like or not like you, those who accept or reject you, DO NOT define who you are. You do not need accomplishments or others approval to feel good about yourself.

When you accept these principles as part of your new thinking process, fear will plummet, and your self-esteem will be secure. As a result, you will have all the courage you need to do whatever you want.

New Thought Patterns to Learn

In other words, you need to learn the new thought patterns or cognitive restructuring that the real YOU is not defined by failures, rejections or criticisms. This is a key point so I will say it again.

You need to learn the new thought patterns or cognitive restructuring that the real YOU is not defined by failures, or rejections or criticisms by others.

Think about this a bit. Most of the time we feel fear is when we are concerned that we will fail or mess up, or that we will be criticized or rejected by others. So how do we often respond to situations like this? Typically, we often times will choose not to take the risk, thus missing out of the finer things of life.

We would rather not try, than experience the consequences of failure, rejection or criticism. If we don't try, we will be stuck where we are, but sometimes our mind rationalizes that this is better than the pain that you may experience if you try to move forward and fail.

Change the Way You Think

So you see, you need to change the way you think. If you try something and fail, you just learned a valuable lesson. YOU are not a failure or destined to fail. So what does this all mean you may be asking? It means you need to learn on a very deep level that its OK to fail. If you have a struggle doing something on your own, this is the process of learning.

So how do you learn that its OK to fail, OK if people criticize or reject you? Simply learn that your worth and value is not tied to your accomplishments or how others define you.

Now its time to move on to.....

Exercise # 2 of Conquering Fear

As we did in Lesson # 1, the next exercise of is to think and imagine how you will feel and act when you have conquered fear. So, go through each of your fears you may be experiencing and answer the following questions.

Even if you are very fearful, lets just "pretend" or "imagine" you did have the courage. For now, don't be concerned about how you will find the courage, just plant seeds in your mind to help you understand how you will feel and act when you have the courage.

When you start picturing and imagining a positive outcome, you will find the way to get there.

Question # 1

How would you feel if you no longer had this fear, and had the courage you needed to move past that fear?

Question # 2

How would you act and behave differently, if you no longer had this fear and had the courage and strength to move past the fear?

Question # 3

How would it feel, if you acted and behaved as you just described above, and how would this improve your life?

Some of these answers may be rather long, while others may be short or just one word.

As we discussed in the previous lessons on sorrow, this is a powerful technique when you just think about what it would feel like, and how you would act, when you have the courage you need to move past your fears. This is an important step in building your courage.

Now...Lets Move on To....

Exercise # 3 of Conquering Fear

After you have completed this exercise, its now time to begin learning the cognitive restructuring (new way of thinking), so you can find all the strength and courage you need.

The CD and Aromatherapy oil called "Courage" in Tranquilities for Persons Experiencing Stress is designed to teach you how to find the courage to move past your fear or recognize you are safe and OK, even if what you fear occurs.

In Lesson Seven, I will explain in full detail what Guided Imagery is, how it works, and how you can use it to create new positive ways of thinking, but here's a brief overview of how the Courage CD and Courage aromatherapy blend easily guides you into learning you are courageous and totally safe and secure if what you fear happens:

  • Rest comfortably with headphones and close your eyes as you listen to the CD
  • Rev. Donna Shenk and myself will be speaking on the CD, and will guide you into a state of relaxation though breathing and relaxing your muscles. Soft music and the sounds of the ocean waves will help you deeply relax.
  • We will guide you into making a mental picture or metaphor of your fear
  • We will gently guide you into picturing and imagining the mental picture that you created change. ( I will explain this in detail in lesson #7)
  • You will be instructed to say affirmations and smell the aromatherapy oil
  • You will be told to open your eyes, feeling better than you have all day.

This entire process only takes about 20 minutes. It may sound simplistic, but it is a very powerful technique that will gently help you understand new, positive ways of thinking.

I believe that guided imagery is the easiest, most effective, and fastest way to learn these important principles that will change your life. Learning how to beat stress, feel good about yourself, move past your fears and stop worry has never been easier !

This entire process only takes about 20 minutes. It may sound simplistic, but it is a very powerful technique that will gently help you understand new, positive ways of thinking. If you would like to learn more about these CDs, please visit www.tranquilities.biz/grieving.cfm

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Learning to move past your fear is an important step in your Path to Healing and Restoration

In lesson # 4, we will begin the process of discovering how these losses create anger, and how you can learn to release any anger and if possible, forgive.

For Your Healing and Restoration,

Robert Miller ND

For Lesson # 4 go to:

Grieving Support lesson 4